How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am available for nakedness
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
