I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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