you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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