cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
