when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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