k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
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