ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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