you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
