so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
