I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
