Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
