Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
