It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
