I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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