i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
