That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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