Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
