You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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