you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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