Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
