Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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