i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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