the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
