Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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