You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
