For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
