it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
