"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
