Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
