Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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