I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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