I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
