He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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