What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
