That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
