Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
