Swine flu. Run for my life!
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
