My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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