got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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