things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My vagina is officially offended.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
