i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
