I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
