Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I want to be your penis for a week.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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