checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
