You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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