I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
