If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well I just put wine in my tea
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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