i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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