Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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