yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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